When it comes to abortion, we always hear about women’s rights. Currently, the law allows a woman to abort her child without the father’s knowledge or consent. Fathers are completely excluded from the decision. Why are fathers’ rights being denied? For example, fathers who want to abort their child – but are prevented from doing so because the mother will not consent to an abortion – lack both the freedom to determine the fate of the child they co-created as well as the freedom to decide whether to financially support the child. Why should a man be legally obligated to pay for a child that he did not want? If a woman can abort a child she does not want to support or care for, why can’t a man? If a father cannot choose to abort his child, then he should not be forced to support it. The law unfairly discriminates against men by saying fathers have no rights to determine the fate of their children in utero, and yet also saying fathers have obligations to their unwanted children after birth.
You might be saying at this point, “It’s just not feasible to allow a man to unilaterally make the decision to abort his child because that would require doctors to violate the will and bodily integrity of the mother.” Even if I ceded that there are good reasons for not allowing men to make a unilateral decision to abort a child, the injustice of requiring that man to support his unwanted child remains. I think the only fair solution is to change the law so that any father who wants to abort his child – but is prevented from doing so because of the mother’s refusal to consent to an abortion – will not be financially responsible for the support of that child. After all, if mothers can make a unilateral decision to keep their baby, then those same mothers should be required to unilaterally support that baby. It is unfair to require a man to pay for a baby that someone else chose to give birth to.
I’ve discussed the lack of men’s rights to abort their unborn child, but what about their right to let their unborn child live? What if a man wants to keep the baby but the woman wants to abort? Is it fair to allow a woman to kill a father’s child without his consent? I say no. The child who will be aborted is the joint “property” of both the woman and the man. The father has just as much claim to that child as the mother. So why does she get to make a unilateral decision as to whether or not it will be allowed to live? I find it strange that dual parental consent is required to give a baby up for adoption, and yet only maternal consent is required to kill that same baby in utero.
I contend that abortion law should mirror adoption law: both parent’s must consent to an abortion before an abortion can be performed. If the father does not consent, the mother’s request for an abortion should be denied. It is simply not fair to fathers that their children can be killed without their consent. Fathers have rights too.
Thinking to Believe 
May 20, 2011 at 5:00 pm
Jason,
I’ve had similar discussions in the past. In these discussions, there was an interesting question posed to the pro-abortion individuals which I think helps frame the discussion. Is the abortion right about a woman’s right not to be pregnant, or is the abortion right about the right not to have your genetic material in the world?
I think the practical and easy answer (though I don’t agree with it) is that the right to an abortion is about a woman’s right not to be pregnant. This answers why the man would not have a right to override a woman’s decision to abort the child – it’s not about the child. However, this does not answer the related inequity of why a man is then financial responsible if he wanted the mother to abort and she refused. I don’t think, however, that question can be answered purely from an equitable point of view. There would be serious public policy issues if that were all a man had to claim, in order to avoid the financial responsibility of a child he fathered, was that he wanted the mother to abort and she refused. I can’t even think of a manageable way make a true determination of what situations are the appropriate ones and what burden of proof needs to be satisfied in order for a man to show that this was truly the case. It seems like every situation would be a “he said, she said” case of trying to prove whether or not he should be financially responsible for that child.
Where the your equitable dilemma regarding a father’s right to have a say in the abortion decision gets really sticky is if the abortion right is about preventing one’s genetic material from being in the world against one’s permission. Since the child is the product of and has genetic material from both the father and the mother, then each should have the right to have some say in whether the child should be aborted – at least from a philosophical standpoint – and in that sense, equity should rule. This is why I think the practical answer ( discussed above) is the way that most people will chose to justify abortion – even if a father has as much genetic material in the child as the mother, the father is not the one that has to carry the child in a womb for nine months. For many, this is pushes the weight of the balance entirely in favor of the mother.
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May 26, 2011 at 1:03 pm
Hi Paco,
Thanks for chiming in. You’re right, the law (as it is currently conceived) is only concerned about making sure a woman does not have to be pregnant if she does not want to. Because the interests of the woman are considered supreme, both the child’s and father’s interests are neglected. The baby can be killed at his/her mother’s discretion, and a father can be robbed of his child at the mother’s discretion.
Yes, it could become a legal fiasco of “he said-she said” if a father could avoid financial responsibility for his child on the basis that he wanted to abort the baby but the mother would not consent. While I think there are some practical ways to avoid this, one corrective for this problem would be to make it a blanket policy that men are not financially responsible for any child they do not want, regardless of whether the woman did or did not want to abort. This seems no more extreme to me than the current abortion policy which gives women the sole right to decide whether or not to abort a baby, regardless of whether the father does or does not want it.
Let’s just erase this flimsy distinction we have made between in utero and ex utero when it comes to fathers’ rights. It makes no sense to say a father has no right to his child while in utero, but does have rights ex utero (as well as a legal obligation to offer financial support for that child). Either a woman should be able to do whatever she wants with the baby both before and after birth (regardless of the father’s wishes)—and take sole responsibility for her decision—or both the mother and father should have to consent to any action taken in regard to the child both before and after birth. Put another way, women should either have unilateral decision powers regarding the child both before and after birth (the decision to give birth would carry with it the decision to assume sole financial responsibility for raising the child), or both father and mother should have joint decision making powers both before and after birth. If the former, then men should only be financially responsible if they choose to be. If the latter, then women should not be able to abort unless the father consents. In exchange for the limitation on her freedom to choose whether or not to be pregnant, the father’s financial freedom will be limited as well.
I hope you understand that I am not seriously arguing for this. I would never argue that men should not be financially responsible for their children. I am merely trying to demonstrate that the unjust nature of abortion law requires additional unjust laws if the law is going to be equitable for both mothers and fathers. We could side-step all of these problems by outlawing abortion altogether.
Jason
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September 26, 2011 at 4:13 am
Ok i’ve been back and forth to a few places now and I really need help. I really want and need for the the girl (19) to abort my child (she’s now 1 month today). I’m living in horrible emotional conditions as well as mental. I’ve cried in the past 7 days now. My dreams, goals, and patience for having the perfect family which obviously starts with a woman who would be my ideal spouse and mother of my children. She and I have both told each other that we are not eachother’s ideal parent for our children much less to be eachother’s spouse. I believe she’s blindingly keeping it. I feel as though my feelings and people’s safety are being ignored. If this child is to be born I only know that either, I will resent this child and be a great father (not perfect as I sought to be) but a miserable person. OR I might be driven to suicide or possibly cause harm to her or the child. Maybe before it’s born. I don’t know. It hasn’t been a happy pregnancy as she thought it’d be. She’s think’s i’ll be happy some time later. Thoughts of having my own family is all I ever had. I’m 20 years old. I am going to adult school to get my diploma and have never been employed because I come from a disfunctional and broken family which happens to be very ignorant in various cases. All of this severely hurts my pride, mind, emotions, and physical health. This is a huge reasons as to why my ideal family means so much to me. Within these past 7 days she has pissed me off more than 9 times. Most of them because of what she eats. I want the mother to eat everything and only the healthiest food so that my child can be born and grow to his or her fullest potential. Everyday i’m hurt because she has to go somewhere or needs to buy food and I can’t provide either one for her. I resent and hate her very much. She knows it was hard enough for me to even be her boyfriend because I had no money or car. Which I practically still don’t. You can only imagine how I feel about this but I assure you that the magnitude of my feelings are so far beyond what any person might feel about this. I want to be able to affect every bit of the mother’s atmosphere which I can’t do. She’s highly naive when it comes to big cases as these. I don’t take advantage of that nor do I wish to. Everything’s been consentual and mutual till we found out she was pregnant with my kid.
I was told that supposedly 5 years ago I would’ve been able to legally have her abort this highly unwanted child. I am still in search of this so called law. Weather she has the child or not I will be scared for the rest of my life. I believe my wounds will be much more harsher than hers. I never wanted to be able to say that I once had a girl abort my child much less say she had a miscarriage. I need help in convincing her to abort or help me find something that says I can legally make her abort because there’s no way in HELL or any dimension any kid of mine will grow up without his/her father!! Should the mother decide to go off with another man I won’t let her because i’ll be damned if the mother of my child leaves and makes my life tainted. I’ve already told her this but she continues to keep it.
Any help or refrences, phone numbers, emails, names, or SOMETHING would be much appreciated.
Thank you for reading all of this.
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September 26, 2011 at 12:15 pm
Jonathan,
Wow, what a story. I feel your plight. This is not an easy situation. All of us envision what we want our future to be like, and few of us envision being a father at age 20 while being unmarried (and not wanting to remain with the mother). The question, however, is not what you would have liked to have happened, but what has happened. What has happened is that you got your girlfriend pregnant. Right now part of you is growing in her womb, and that cannot be undone.
Realize that the unborn child growing in her womb is a unique human being with his or her own dignity and moral worth. All the reasons you have listed for wanting to abort the child have to do with your personal convenience and emotional well-being. But surely you recognize that these are no justifications for taking the life of an innocent human being. To kill that child for convenience’ sake would be a moral travesty. I understand why you are thinking about yourself in this situation (who wouldn’t?), but you are not the only one involved here. There is also the mother, and your baby.
You said, “I need help in convincing her to abort or help me find something that says I can legally make her abort because there’s no way in HELL or any dimension any kid of mine will grow up without his/her father!” So you would rather kill your child than have him/her grow up without you? What kind of reasoning is that? This is not sanity speaking here. And who is to say you won’t be part of his/her life anyway?
This does not mean you need to marry your girlfriend. If you and the mother do not get along, I would advise against marriage just for the sake of the baby.
No, a man can never make a woman abort a child, at whatever age. And he should not be allowed to (of course, in my opinion a woman she not be allowed to abort her child either).
You may think that an abortion will solve your problems, but it won’t. The long-term emotional effects of abortion are more dramatic than you might think. Can you really live with yourself knowing you were responsible for killing your own flesh and blood? Eighteen years from now you’ll be thinking “S/he would have graduated today.” That’s not the place you want to be in. It no doubt seems daunting to think of how this child will affect your life, but aborting the child will affect your life as well. Whatever you do, your life will be forever changed. But one choice does not involve the killing of an innocent and defenseless human being. Choose life.
Jason
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September 26, 2011 at 2:41 pm
This female and I were dating. We were never a couple. I and anyone can easily question morals and I did so when we sat down with her family to talk about this. She mostly stayed quiet. We broke down everything and it all came down to what would be best for the both of us. I can be completely heartless, neutral, and cold in various cases. I already said that my wounds would be much more harsher than hers. I WILL be affected by this whatever the outcome but i’ve been wanting her to abort since last week because I know the longer she takes the harder it’ll be on both of us. And like I said, this pregnancy and life of the kid will be much harder on me. The mother and I will not be happy because i’m always going to be there with a really terrible vibe. If you knew only a lifetime of pain, tears, and suffuring would come with the birth of a child you would still choose to have it?? I’m trying to prevent possible and potential death(‘s) or bodily harm here. I can’t have the only hope i’ve ever had be taken from me and expect myself to live with it. This thing has no life. It’s barely a month. The sonagram couldn’t see shit and the mother looked at me expecting me to say something like “told you so” but I don’t really take cheap shots like that. I’ve already ruined her “planned babyshower” by telling her there would be no party and all money would go straight to and for the baby if anything. Nothing good will be coming from this pregnancy. The balance of pro’s and con’s here is FAR off. Everymilestone big or small puts me in more emotional distress. I’m 5’11 230lbs and i’ve weighed 230 since the end of my 10th grade year. I’ve lost 2 pounds in the past week. For all I know the child might grow with some….. form of….. parent absence. There will definitely be a lack of love (which shouldn’t be). Only ONE person from my whole family knows. He once had a girl abort his child. He said he’s still trying to cope with the hypothetical thought of having his kid running around right now. He and I have many of the same perspectives but i’m much more polar than most people. I can be the best pationate, wamr hearted friend, husband, person, cousin, brother, ect but I can also be the coldest and be blunt and straightforward. This baby, and 2nd life will be kept from my entire family and all of my friends. Right now I am still willing for that abortion but once that heart and brain develope, shit’s going to change. Thing’s might get drastic. And no one can tell me that i’m going to change once I see the baby in my hands. I WON’T be going through a partial change either.
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September 26, 2011 at 2:58 pm
Let me ask you a question Jonathan. What if you got your girlfriend pregnant but did not know it, and she moved out of the area. Two years later she comes back to town and informs you that the child is yours? Would you not have some of the same feelings as you do now? I suppose so. But would you contemplate killing the child at that point? I suppose not. But what is the difference between a two year old toddler and a one month old unborn child in the womb? There is no moral difference between the two. The only difference is their location, size, and level of development. But none of those things change the kind of thing it is: a human being of moral value. To kill an unborn baby is morally equivalent to killing a toddler. If you wouldn’t countenance killing your two year old child, how can you countenance killing your unborn child?
All I hear you talking about is yourself and how you feel. Granted, I understand that your own emotional health and future is important, but you are being extremely selfish here. You are ignoring what the mother wants. You are ignoring the life of the baby. All you are thinking about is yourself. You want a perfect family, but the fact of the matter is that this unborn child is the first member of your family, like it or not. Do you want to start off your perfect family by killing its first member because you think it would be hard emotionally and financially on you to let it live?
You do not understand embryology. What makes someone human is not how they look, but the kind of thing they are. Everything your unborn child needs to develop into a mature human being has been there from the moment of conception. Just because it is not fully developed yet does not mean it’s not human. If that weren’t the case, then 2 year olds aren’t human yet either because they are not fully developed. To think that the unborn is not yet human is to ignore basic biology. There’s no getting around it. You have a child. The only question is what you are going to do with it: kill it, or nurture it.
Jason
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December 1, 2011 at 6:26 pm
another issue is post abortion/miscarriage psychological and emotional support. Men are expected to be pillars of strength, able to withstand all of the internal and external pressures. Well, I’m apparently not a pillar of strength. I’ve seen one child miscarried, another aborted. I did everything I could to be loving and supportive. The girlfriend who miscarried committed suicide 3 months later. The other girl who had the abortion broke it off about 4 months after, and not 2 months later was engaged to be married to her boyfriend she was with before me. She now has a 2 year old daughter, and seems to be doing well. I drink every day, do various drugs, and am quite certain that I do not deserve to have that blessing in my life. And the basic message I get is that I need to move on andstop being emotionally selfish.
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December 2, 2011 at 9:41 am
MarJo,
Thanks for chiming in. You raise a point that few are willing to raise: abortion is not just a “woman’s issue.” And it doesn’t just affect women negatively–it affects men negatively as well. No one wants to talk about it thought–not the men involved, and not the media.
Were you opposed to the abortion at the time, or supportive? And now you regret it?
Abortion is a serious moral issue, so it rightly brings with it shame and guilt. But you do not need to continue to bear this on your own. Jesus offers forgiveness for our wrongs. Divine forgiveness is the only way you’ll find rest for your conscience. You cannot atone for your own sins. Only Christ can do that. I hope you will reach out to Him.
Jason
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December 14, 2011 at 1:16 pm
I really think its unfair for a man to be responsible for a child he doesnt want to have because he feels he cant finacially support it, or he simply doesnt want to have another one. Im looking for a group or groups who will fight this and hopefully submit a letter to the government who will make it a law that if a man doesnt want to have a child then he will not be finacially obligated to take care of it, or if he does want the child and the woman doesnt, then he should have full custody and be solely responsible for the child. It seems that the law is hyprocritical when it comes to dealing with this situation. On one hand its up to a woman to decide what she wants to do with the child without the fathers say so, on the other hand, he is finacially obligated to take care of the child even if he didnt want the child……………….how unfair is this? I know to many men in this predicament and I’m one of them. Are there any groups that I may join that anyone knows of so that we can pressure the government into making some type of law where its fair to both men and women since it takes 2 to make a child.
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December 20, 2011 at 12:23 pm
Tyshaun,
I agree with you that the government is acting inconsistent when it comes to father’s rights and responsibilities. But the solution is not the one you are advocating. You are advocating that men not be held responsible for their actions. It’s not fair for a woman to have to fully support a child that she was not fully responsible for. It takes two to create it, and thus two to pay for it. Since sex is intended to create children, and we all know that every act of sex runs the potential of doing so, then we all assume the potential responsibility for such an event each time we have sex. The solution is not to change child support laws, but abortion laws.
Jason
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December 30, 2011 at 12:46 pm
Hey there, my girlfriend and I got pregnant when we were both nineteen. We were going out for about 10 months. For three quarters of that time I took responsibility for contraception and never once did I not use a condom. I was vigilant and responsible. We then thought it would be a nice idea to go onto the pill – more intimate. We both went to the doctor, got the info about the pill and waited the prescribed time for it to take effect, while I continued to use condoms. I then trusted her that she would be responsible for contraceptiWe subsequently broke uovp a few months later
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January 11, 2012 at 12:27 pm
I have to give a chick’s pov for Jonathan above, since it looks like here only guys are posting. His post is yet another argument for abortion being illegal, not a plea that gives him a moral blank check to forcibly abort a baby.
How much pressure is being put on this girl to abort her child – the child she can feel living inside her already? I was pregnant at 19, too. It sucked. I considered abortion, and considered it strongly. Ultimately, I didn’t do it, and my 24-year-old Marine has given me many, many moments to be grateful I didn’t.
Yet this young girl is being pressured to make a decision for the convenience of a young man who does not seem to understand – or want to understand – her feelings in this case. We hear only about HIS feelings, HIS troubles, HIS mental state – she is shown as a cipher, a convenient f*** for him that subsequently went bad.
If abortion were at least harder to get, it would be much more difficult for boys like Jonathan to pressure girls into abortion. For instance, if couples counseling was required, multiple sessions independent of the abortion clinic, and both parties and the therapist had to agree that the abortion was happening freely on the part of both parties. If some legal consequence were attached to such pressure, as it should be, it would be even better.
While I feel some sympathy for Jonathan, he did do the deed and he, I assume, had enough sex ed in school to know this was a possible outcome. I feel sorrier for the pregnant girl, and my heart just goes out to the one innocent in the situation: the baby. I hope the girl stayed strong and made the right decision for her, not the decision that was most convenient for Jonathan.
Unfortunately, even if she made the decision best for her, there are tens of thousands of Jonathans-and-girls out there who, every day, undergo intense emotional struggles with the exact same situation – and there are girls who allow themselves to be bullied into the wrong decision. Let’s not ever lose sight of that.
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January 11, 2012 at 2:48 pm
kywrite,
Thank you. And you bring up a big problem that few speak of: many women are pressured into abortions by their boyfriends, husbands, and family. It is often the “unchoice.” While I obviously support making abortion illegal in all cases except when necessary to save the life of the mother, in the current world, it would be great to put measures in place to ensure that the women getting abortions were truly choosing it of their own accord rather than being forced by others through intimidation.
Jason
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March 8, 2012 at 10:24 pm
This started out good then quickly became a very stupid. You started out from a position where you wanted equal rights for men and woman in abortions, then you ended up proposing an idea that takes away all the rights of a woman to choose about the fate of their child.
If both parents are required to consent for an abortion, then that means that a woman will never be able to make a choice without the man agreeing, if she doesnt want the baby, she has to keep it if the man says, however if she does still have the baby, then she should also not have any financial obligated to it either which you did not suggest in your article.
However its stupid to even go that far, a woman should not be forced to carry a baby she does not want. The baby is merely a clump of cells without consciousness, saying words such as killing their child, in an attempt to sway the argument is a manipulative technique used by the writer of this article. If the father really wants he should not be able to force a woman to keep it. It is a situation where it is not possible to have perfectly equal rights. The fact is, a woman will have to take time out of work if she wants to have that baby, she will not be able to drink either. She also has to bear the physical burden or carry the child for 9 months, and birthing it. It is ridiculous to say that a man should be legally able to force a woman to go through that for a child she doesnt even want. A father should get to choose whether or not he is legally responsible for that child and that is the maximum extent that should be included in his rights.
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March 9, 2012 at 12:16 am
v,
Like it or not, the unborn child is part of two people, not just one. And fathers should have rights too. They should not be powerless to save their own children simply because they lack a womb to carry that child to term.
Please find me a single embryology or biology textbook that describes the unborn as a clump of cells. I’ll guarantee you won’t find one because they all agree that the unborn are human beings.
Jason
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March 20, 2012 at 11:31 am
I just had to respond to v…it seems unjust and unfair to make a man financially responsible for a baby he did not want. Point blank period! How is it that a woman gets to decide when a man becomes a father all because it is her body? Give me a break…the laws are absolutely skewed in favor of a woman. We always hear about the woman’s rights, well what about the father…doesn’t he have rights as well. The mother engaged in sex, which we have to assume she knew that there was some potential for her to get pregnant, right. So why now is she allowed to decide the fate of the unborn child and father because it is her body, because she has to carry the baby for nine months, because she has to take time off for work…that’s ludicrous! After the child is born, the father is then responsible for a LIFETIME not just 9 months! How is it that she can decide unilaterally the fate of another human being? And the unborn child is not just a ball of cells, the baby is a human being. What are humans anyway, but merely cells. You, v, are made up of cells as well! The laws should be changed to reflect equal rights for both the mother and father. I agree that abortion should be outlawed altogether except in the case wher the mother’s life is at stake. Maybe then both mothers ans fathers will engage in more responsible sex. If abortion is not outlawed, then both parents must consent. If the father is not allowed to consent then if a mother wants to have a baby and the father doesn’t then, she should be solely responsible for the child after birth. If the mother doesn’t want the baby and the father does, then he is solely responsible for the child. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this out. If the laws were equal, the courts would not be filled with mothers and fathers fighting over childsupport and visitation over an unwanted child. I think there should be a contract/agreement of some sort both parents must sign at the beginning in an effort to alleviate any misunderstandings and he said-she said issues. And it should stipulate that the parent who did not want the child can not come later to fight for rights (in the case the child becomes a child star, etc). I admit that things can begin to get sticky but something needs to be done. I think that once done, we will begin to see a decline in unwanted pregnancies and adults engaging in more responsible sex.
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April 11, 2012 at 11:52 am
This is such a short sighted self centered article. It is not easy for a woman to make such an important and selfless decision without a supportive partner. Whilst you may resent the outcome, you have a responsibility to an innocent new being. You are privileged to have known such a strong woman and hopefully you will get over yourself and be a father to the beautiful child you helped create
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April 11, 2012 at 1:49 pm
Jane,
I don’t disagree with you that a woman needs a supportive partner, but that is besides the point. I need you to tell me why a woman should have a choice as to whether or not she wants to be financially responsible for her baby (by choosing to keep it or abort it), but a man should have no similar choice? Unlike the woman, he cannot unilaterally decide to abort the child, so why should he not at least have the choice not to financially support the child in the event that the mother wants the baby?
Jason
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June 18, 2012 at 7:21 am
I’ve recently been informed by a girl I was casually dating that “I’m pregnant and I’m going to keep it.” She is 33 and so am I. We are both reasonably intelligent people. Her biological clock is ticking and she thinks bringing a child into this world will fill her emptiness and make me want to marry her and live happily ever after. Some facts that seem to be missed out in this article. There are nearly 7 billion people in this world. We are not gods little miracles. 25,000 children die ever day from starvation. 10 million children under 5 die every year. But I’m sure the sick, twisted religious people will be able to justify gods reasoning on that. Abortion is not a dangerous procedure and will not lower your chances of fertility. 98% of women who have abortions do not suffer any long term phycological problems. Having a feeling does not mean it is rational. A human will always want to protect it’s young just like we will always have the urge to have sex. It’s evolution to help our species survive. The problem now is we are here to stay so our survival instinct is no longer needed. Until every child in this world is fed loved and cared for we can not keep going with decions to have every baby that we accidentally conceive. Every girl should have the right to abort, end of story. Every guy should have the right to refuse to pay for a child because of her irresponsibility to keep a child that she can’t afford to look after. He should also have the right to be part of the child’s life financially and morally. This should be a contract at birth. No going back either way. This would stop encouraging woman to have babies they cant afford or care for adequately. Ultimately the children are the ones that suffer. Maybe the law should say that all women should have an abortion “unless” they in a loving relationship and both parties agree. Controversial? The human race is a mess right now and we are all responsible for our actions and the state of the planet. We should start acting with a little more common sense and stop reproducing like the viruses we are. My condom broke, she told me she had the morning after pill and now we have one more child that will be born into this world to struggle with a future of uncertainty. I’m sure I will get years of joy and love and care for the kid but it does not change the fact that it’s an irresponsible selfish act to bring a child into this world unprepared and unplanned. My life is now determined by her decision and her belief that this little miracle is somehow gods way of blessing her. Look at the planet, do your research, ask yourself if you can support this child and care for it properly. It’s not a game and one day these very children are going to ask us why we were so stupid to allow the continued breeding in a world where one in 4 children can’t get enough food to eat. Shame on us all.
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July 11, 2012 at 9:11 am
i agree with andy.
“Every girl should have the right to abort, end of story. Every guy should have the right to refuse to pay for a child because of her irresponsibility to keep a child that she can’t afford to look after. He should also have the right to be part of the child’s life financially and morally. This should be a contract at birth. No going back either way.”
… although i would add that, the father’s request to refuse to pay child support should only be granted in cases where the father has gotten some sort of official court order DURING THE PREGNANCY.
my question is, what is the name of this point of view? it does not seem like it fits into the cast of either pro-choice or pro-life — perhaps pro-health?
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July 17, 2012 at 10:59 am
I strongly agree with kywrite.
I am currently 9 weeks pregnant, my boyfriend.. (Well ex boyfriend) has a 3 year old too his ex.
I found out about my pregnancy 2 weeks ago, I had never had a problem with abortion, I guess because I had never had a reason to look into the procedures and the babies development. My boyfriend straight away said to abort it because he wasn’t ready and we hadn’t been together long enough or had the chance to have fun together and when the baby come we would never have anytime together and so on. I considered abortion until I did my research and now I really can’t do it, and I have started to come to terms with the fact that I have a child growing inside me. He has decided he doesn’t want to be a part of it which leaves me to be a single mother. I do not think it’s fair at all, it takes 2 to make a child and if I have to deal with the consequences than he should too, men shouldn’t just assume that women will toddle off to the abortion clinic to get a “quick fix” we feel this life and become attached and alot of men don’t understand that! I also feel offended and confused as to why he was willing to stick by his ex and support her fully but not me, i had to stop seeing him because as horrible as it sounds I was starting to resent his son, confused to why he is more special than my child and why he was wanted but not mine. As for The comment from the fella below its quite disturbing, why would u want to force this poor woman to legally abort her unborn child and violate her. You obviously don’t sound fit to be a father but you have no right to decide whether she is capable of being a mother.
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July 17, 2012 at 11:18 am
By the way I do agree that a man should not be responsible to pay for a child he does not want, under certain circumstances. Some women are cruel enough to try and ‘trap’ their partner by poking holes in condoms, skipping the pill etc. which is not right. But me and my boyfriend were just plain irresponsible.. He knew damn well the risks and his son was an accident so he knew first hand. I believe he should have to have some sort of responsibility for his stupid, just as I am by following through with my pregnancy, I am not going to take a child’s life because I was irresponsible and my partner was too. I am not a religious person, but I don’t belief any
Life should be disposed of as easy as a used condom and I will give my child a great life whether he stays or not. It’s not a matter of how large our population already is and we don’t need anymore children, it is not easy for alot of women to walk into those buildings and have their unborn children scraped out of them.
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July 17, 2012 at 11:41 am
Daniella,
I am sorry to hear that your boyfriend did not support your decision, but I applaud you for choosing life. It is a brave and honorable decision.
Jason
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July 18, 2012 at 1:12 pm
I say a man should have a decision if he wants the child or not, it could be finacial or other reasons, nevertheless if a man has to pay child support and take care of the child, then he should have a say so in whether she should keep it or not. If a woman feels abortion is not the way, then she can raise the child on her own or be with a man that wants a child. its only fair, alot of women trap men by keeping the child, thinking that will keep the man and when it doesnt work, they drag him to family court trying to ruin him finacially. I have seen so many cases of this through all my travels. Now if a man agrees to have the child and then tries to change his mind after she has carried the child for some time, then by all means he should be responsible and take care of it. Yeah it takes 2 and the man should take some precaution as well but at the end it is the womans choice therefore it seems that instead of saying a man should take more precaution, it should be mainly her since she is the one with the final say so.
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September 14, 2012 at 12:45 am
I, too, am pro-life.
Wthat being said, as I was studying up on abortion online today I can across this eye opening bit of information, and I do not doubt that it is true:
Criminalization of abortion did not reduce the numbers of women who sought abortions. In the years before Roe v. Wade, the estimates of illegal abortions ranged as high as 1.2 million per year. Although accurate records could not be kept, it is known that between the 1880s and 1973, many thousands of women were harmed as a result of illegal abortion.
Many women died or suffered serious medical problems after attempting to self-induce their abortions or going to untrained practitioners who performed abortions with primitive methods or in unsanitary conditions. During this time, hospital emergency room staff treated thousands of women who either died or were suffering terrible effects of abortions provided without adequate skill and care.
In other words (me writing here), it doesn’t sound like the criminalization of abortions would help matters much at all, which is really sad, to me, but I don’t doubt that these numbers are correct. It’s obvious that I won’t ever be able to convince someone that an unborn child should have the same rights as you and I, and it’s also obvious that I will never be convinced that it shouldn’t be this way, so there really is no sense in arguing about it. Wthat being said, I really wish that the father of the child would have just as much say as the woman when it comes to an abortion.
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September 20, 2012 at 2:11 pm
… I am accidentally pregnant. I told the guy I wasn’t on the pill and that we had to use condoms, but he didn’t basically just want to, and I didn’t have the integrity to stand up for myself and my values. So we had unprotected sex (twice) and, boom.
I really don’t want an abortion but I am struggling to figure out what to do because I am pretty confident that if I have this child I will ultimately lose my job. I would be all right with being single mother but a single unemployed mother?….
What I am wondering here is: how much weight should I place on what the father wants? He definitely does not want me to have the child. (I told him I wouldn’t expect him to contribute financially or otherwise, but I think he would feel guilty just “walking away.”) And I feel really bad because it must suck to feel like the child IS yours but the decision is out of your hands. But ultimately am I supposed to just set aside what he wants? Or if not how much does his wanting me to have an abortion count for??
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September 20, 2012 at 2:50 pm
Hi Sara,
Thanks for posting your story. It’s never easy when you are not planning for a child, but there is help available. Look up crisis pregnancy centers in your area. They offer all sorts of assistance to mothers.
As for what the father wants, give it no consideration at all. The only person that matters here is the tiny, defenseless human being that stands at the center of your conundrum. S/he has just as much a right to life as any of us, and no one’s opinion should be able to take that right away from him or her. Would you consider killing the child if your boyfriend wanted you to if the baby was already born? No, so what’s so different before the baby is born? Traveling 6″ down the birth canal doesn’t turn the baby into something valuable. It is already a valuable human being right now.
It won’t be easy to choose life, but the best things in life are never easy. We do what is right because it is right. And I’ll guarantee you that a year from now, you’ll be so glad you chose life, and wouldn’t want to imagine would life would be like without your little child!
Jason
Jason
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October 30, 2012 at 9:33 am
Hi,
Today I just found out my friend’s ex is pregnant. The ex is 16 and my friend is 17. The ex refuses to have an abortion despite my friend not being able to support the child or the mother. What can my friend do? Is he trapped? I will ask him to contact a lawyer tomorrow to help tackle the legal side anyway. Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated.
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October 30, 2012 at 9:50 am
Bob, what your friend needs to do is take full responsibility for his actions. Sex is how babies are produced, so when someone engages in sex, they are implicitly agreeing to take responsibility for the outcome. This isn’t the girls fault. She didn’t steal your friends sperm and have it inserted into her vagina. He deposited it there himself. And the girl should not be pressured to kill an innocent human being simply because your friend doesn’t want to take responsibility for his actions.
In case the point of this post was lost on you, I was pointing out the legal absurdities involved with abortion rights and family law. I was not advocating that fathers should not bear a responsibility to their children.
Jason
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December 4, 2012 at 12:27 am
The man had a say so if he wanted a baby or not when he had sex. He should know the risk before he acts in sexual intercourse. There is always a chance of pregnancy. Once the eggs fertiled its apart of the womans body. It may seem unfair that the man must support a child he didn’t want. But as I stated before the decision is make when the chance is taken of having sex. Even birth control isn’t 100%. Unless he was lied to or raped, the man he had a choice.
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December 8, 2012 at 3:38 pm
I just recently found out that the person I was seeing is about four weeks along in her pregnancy.
I am slowly and painfully coming to the conclusion that despite my stating from the get go that I have never wished to become a parent, that I will end up becoming one because I was less responsible and entrusted her using the rhythm method; foolishly hoping that she would never put me in this position.
Now it’s a done deal… I do not want this pregnancy to continue nor do I wish to be a father and I have remained consistent in my saying so while attempting to show as much respect for her feelings as I can. I’m stuck in a job that I do not want and have been battling a form of depression for quite some time that I now find myself dealing with all over again because I now have no control over what is going to happen.
In nine months I am going to be a father to a child that I do not honestly want and despite the fact that many people say this will change once I hold that child, I don’t buy it…not right now…
I have spent the last week sorting out my feelings on the matter and am not anywhere close to the emotionless pillar men are expected to be because I am quite angry, frustrated and disappointed…not just with the woman in question but myself.
She admits this happened way too soon and that this was not the way she wanted to go about having kids. She wants to go to the Caribbean in the summer with her friends and now has to give that up. She wants to go back to school and change her career and whatnot but now that a child is going to be in the picture, I don’t see how that is going to happen. She doesn’t want to disappoint her religious family but now also states that they will just have to get over it…and now the expectation is essentially the same for me.
For someone who claims to care for me and asks if there’s anything she can do, I admit there’s a very angry side of me that silently screams, “Then don’t force me to become a father if you know I don’t and have never wanted to!”
Still all that is for naught… I could have kept myself from being in this situation from the get go by simply following through with thoughts that I’d been having regarding a vasectomy…ten minute procedure that would have spared me this emotionally trying time, a lifetime of financial and emotional obligation, etc.
Whining and dealing with this aside, I have come to understand that the core of my anger with this woman originates from both of us stating that now is not a great not nearly the best time for kids…me? I said I didn’t want any outright so my now being forced to become a biological father does not sit well with me.
MY choice as a man has been taken from me because it is HER body and despite the fact that we both admit that it shouldn’t be this way, she’s still going through with it and is seeing the world through rose colored glasses in my opinion. What she doesn’t understand is that any chance at a serious relationship in the future with me is now nonexistent. Not that I suppose it matters in the grander scheme of things…but I don’t think alot of women realize that while we can’t (nor should we try to) force her to get an abortion, we should have some say in terms of whether or not our genetic material is going to be brought into the world like that.
We as men DO have legitimate feelings on matters such as these as well and when a man’s choice is taken from him in lieu of a unilateral decision she makes on her part (basically stating “This baby is coming whether you like it or not”) then that creates resentment, distrust, anger and kills any prospect of something more serious with the man in question.
In reality, I was giving more serious thought to being with this woman on a more serious level but because of this situation and the fact that my feelings apparently matter so little in addition to being forced into fatherhood, it will never happen.
I don’t pretend to know what its like for a woman. It’s something that I as a man will never understand… I do know that if I had a choice between something that was not quite alive yet (debatably) is literally a collection of cells, does not show up on the preliminary ultrasound and is barely a month in and a pill that would allow me to getting back on the path with an enlightened perspective and bringing the rest of my life to fruition the way I wanted it to, I would choose the latter. I am very much pro choice and not simply because it happens to be convenient for me at the moment.
I feel that way because there are legitimate cases in which it may be the best decision for a woman depending on her circumstances. Life is precious and I don’t feel that abortion should be commonly used as a means of contraception or birth control, but I do not, however, think that it should be outlawed altogether… It is something that every woman should be able to choose for herself regardless of someone else’s philosophical or religious beliefs.
Still even, with all that said, I admit I never should have placed myself in this situation and wish with all my might that I could take it back… Oh well…
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December 11, 2012 at 4:31 pm
Kevin,
Sorry to hear about this situation. I know what it’s like to have an “oops.” That was why my first child was born. Unlike you, however, I did want children (but farther in the fture) and I was married to the woman.
I can understand many of the feelings you are going through. But remember one thing: you are already a parent. Once you popped her egg and a baby formed, you became a parent. Her deciding against abortion is not forcing you to be a parent; it’s simply forcing you to care for rather than kill your own child. What’s growing inside of her is part of you.
I remember being quite fearful of being a parent after I found out my wife was pregnant. Part of me dreaded how I knew it was going to change my life. But then the baby is born, and your thinking changes. And you realize that it’s the best thing in life you’ve ever experienced!
Jason
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July 23, 2013 at 8:20 pm
I don’t feel sorry for any of the men on here who are have kids they don’t want. If you don’t want any kids then you should have safe sex or don’t have sex at all,. hell or go get you a Vasectomy. Vasectomy is a surgical procedure for male sterilization and/or permanent birth control. During the procedure, the vasa deferentia of a man are severed, and then tied/sealed in a manner such to prevent sperm from entering into the seminal stream (ejaculate). Vasectomies are usually performed in a physician’s office or medical clinic.
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November 7, 2013 at 5:04 am
I too am fighting for equal rights. Forcing child support for an unwanted child causes resentment and hate from both parties…if a woman cared bout her kid she wouldnt do such a thing. If men put up more of a fight fir visitation and custody less women would request child support out of first of loosing custody of thier meal tickets.
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September 24, 2015 at 7:41 pm
Paco and Jason, both of you guys have mentioned important points in this topic and both of you have said things that sadly are the reality.
However, wouldn’t be easier to keep our vaginas closed and penis in our pants?
I know we are humans and we make mistakes , but both man and woman are well aware of the consequences, I mean who in this world doesn’t know that having sex unprotected or in some cases using protection can make a baby? Most man and woman know this.
Now, what if we start being more responsible? Why does an innocent soul has to pay for our mistakes? It’s selfish to think afterwards.
By the way I’m 40 and I made sure if I didn’t want or wasn’t ready for a baby; that I took all the necessary precautions to not be pregnant, and definitely did not want it to live with guilt for the rest of my life.
Just want it to give my opinion on this and by no means I want to judge or offend anyone. Take care.
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September 25, 2015 at 9:19 am
Yajaira, I definitely agree. The solution to most of the abortion problem would be for people to confine sex to marriage. Although, this would not completely take care of the problem because a decent chunk of people seeking abortions are married.
Jason
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