I recently finished my podcast series on divorce and remarriage. If you have not listened to the series yet, you can do so at https://thinkingtobelieve.buzzsprout.com, or wherever you get your podcasts (just search for “Thinking to Believe”).
As promised, I am also publishing my paper on the subject. This has been many years in the making. I spent a year researching and writing, then several more years reflecting on the topic and editing.
I have three versions to share with you. There is the full paper, which clocks in at 102 pages. That is the equivalent of a 150 page book. I would highly encourage you to read the full paper since it contains the most detailed argument; however, I understand that not everyone has the time or desire to digest that much information. That is why I also wrote a shorter paper that condenses the main argument into 18 pages. If you are really pressed for time, I also summarized my conclusions in a two page summary statement.
Divorce and Remarriage – Full Paper v7 8-7-25
Divorce and Remarriage – Short Paper v3 11-11-24
Divorce and Remarriage – Summary Statement v1 7-25-23
Thinking to Believe 
July 26, 2023 at 7:57 am
Jason:
Thanks for sharing your excellent research findings. Christians need this insight. sp
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December 20, 2023 at 1:07 am
Hi,
I have a dilemma that’s troubling me. If you engage in fornication with someone, then out of guilt you utter the words ” God, I will try to marry this person,” have you got any other choice but to marry them? Is it breaking a vow to God not to marry them? Yes, the key word is try, but the only reason we attempt to do something is to succeed.
I regrettably said those words and only came to remember them after a recent courtship came to an end. I was constantly seeking God during this courtship and we never fornicated, but there was emotional abuse and my boyfriend wouldn’t confess it and commit to change. We couldn’t agree on the way forward and he decided to leave even though I was ready to take him back if he showed true remorse and promised to change.
It was not long after the breakdown of this relationship that I remembered those words I uttered years ago after that most unfortunate encounter. I started to think it’s the reason my recent relationship didn’t work. That the utterance I made was a vow that I was contravening by dating someone else.
You would think that if it’s easy enough to sleep with a person, then marrying them should be easy too. Yet it is not so. That encounter is something that left me scarred for months and caused me great shame. I didn’t want it, yet I felt powerless to stop it. The guy regretted it too and told me he’d never do that again. It wasn’t long before I chose to end our friendship even though he wasn’t keen on that decision. So in a sense, I abandoned him and that’s also a sin.
The friendship had turned into something I never wanted in the first place. On top of that I felt tricked, all I wanted was friendship, but he breached my boundaries and I gave in just to have him around, he would otherwise be sulky. I regret having such poor boundaries and being a people pleaser. I know God forgives all sins, but did the words I uttered cause me to now still be in sin by not marrying that man? As I type this, I think my actions superseded my words. You can’t try to marry someone you’re already married to. Sex is a marriage act.
I’ve read some scriptures about marriage and divorce and it says that if a man sleeps with a virgin and is himself not committing adultery, he must marry her because he has humbled her. I was not a virgin. Is the person I first had sex with my husband? They have since moved on, I guess. Did I commit adultery against someone the last time I had sex, and therefore gave whoever was my husband at the time grounds to marry someone else? I guess that is the case and wherever they are, I wish them to succeed in their marriage.
All this time I never took the time to understand that fornication and adultery are not the same. The commandment speaks of adultery, not fornication. While adulterers may gain forgiveness from their spouses and continue on in marriage, fornication is forming a new marriage bond. The first time you have sex you are now married, whoever you take on after that is helping you commit adultery. I was under the impression that both parties have to be agreed on whether they’re forming a marriage bond, not just committing a sexual sin, but now I see it’s not their choice.
This happened back in 2020. I didn’t set out to go against my word. I just realised that’s what I had done three years later. When I left him, I did repent of our sin and I did reflect on the implication of having slept with him and creating a marriage. In my heart I told myself that he had slept with other people. His history would have him be someone else’s husband, not mine. A relief. But not so relieving anymore when I take into account our aggregate sexual history and our various other partners. Were we even free to be with each other if that’s what we had wanted, or was one of us or both of us supposed to have waited until someone from the past got married and set us free?
But now I feel responsible to find out if the marriage we constituted mistakenly still stands, if indeed that was what happened that day. I feel like true repentance is accepting the consequences of my actions without making excuses for why I did what I did. Those would be to marry him. What if he hasn’t been with anyone else either? Does he even have a choice in the matter or did God cause me to remember so I may reflect and reconnect with him?
Jesus told the prostitute to go and sin no more. Could my deserved punishment be so easily removed? (Now there is no more condemnation for those who are in Christ). Then again, when David took Bathsheba and killed her husband, God forgave him, but did not exempt him from a penalty. He said that the sword would never leave his house and his child with Bathsheba would die. I wonder if I too will have to pay a price.
If Jesus dying for us gives us eternal life in heaven and exempts us from earthly consequences, then it’s not just the good news, it’s the best news that’s known to me.
It’s my belief that we cannot outdo God in any of our good qualities. I do believe I would forgive a repentant person who purposefully hurt me or intended to benefit from my loss. I truly am sorry I benefited from God’s loss and hurt Him that loves me so that I could be loved by the world. Even if I had been tempted I should have resisted.
If I’m to be forgiven then forgiving every trespass against me seems very fair. If they are in the nature of what I personally have done, then I forgive unreservedly. Even those not of the same nature, I unreservedly forgive. I only hope the score is evened out. I hope I do not have more betrayals and abandonments to suffer. I hope my good works are many and increase exponentially. I hope they count towards my score too.
I may not seek revenge or elevation for whatever wrongs other people commit against me. The Psalmist says God sets a table for him before his enemies, but if God sets a table for me and my enemies to dine together, I will be just fine.
Whenever someone wrongs me, may I always be quick to forgive.
I have attempted to answer my own dilemma, but still the question remains, do I sin if I don’t pursue that man and marry him? And is harbouring the intention not to marry him a sin that would cause me not to see God if I died today?
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December 20, 2023 at 12:33 pm
Hi Maureen.
We are supposed to be people of our word, whether that word is made to humans or God. However, there is such a thing as a rash vow, and in your case, it was not even a vow to do something, but simply to try to do something. And the subject of your vow is marriage, which requires more than just you to fulfill (and it sounds to me like he already married). It would not be wise to marry someone that you weren’t even interested in for marriage, simply because you had sex with him and made a rash vow to try to marry him.
As for sex, sex does not create a marriage. Married people engage in sex to create a one-flesh union, but the one-flesh union itself is not what makes a marriage. I discuss this in the first section of my largest paper on divorce.
As for the law about a man sleeping with a virgin has to marry her, this was part of the Mosaic Covenant. That covenant does not apply to the church. It has been superseded by the New Covenant, and the New Covenant has no such command.
I do not think you are currently single as a punishment for your prior sin. If you repented, God forgave you.
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